Before there was 'you'
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: Aoe-san's thoughts as he once again holds onto Naoya and Naoya is confused over his desperation.


**Fandom: Love Mode  
Title Before there was 'you'.  
Pairing: Reiji + Naoya  
Description: Aoe-san****'****s thoughts as he once again holds onto Naoya and Naoya is confused over his desperation****.****  
**  
Disclaimer: Love Mode isn't mine.

My happiest memory was when I fell asleep in my office and you came to wake me up by pulling a blanket over us as you sat in my lap, curled into a little ball. And we were like that until morning. Then, you smiled at me when the sunshine came through the windows.

"Aoe-san, let's go home now."

**Before there was ****'****you****'****.  
By miyamoto yui  
**

There is something about the way he sleeps that makes me want to hold him and watch him at the same time. But, I can't see his face if I wrap my arms around him. If I stare at his sleeping face, I feel very far away from him.  
It never seems to be enough. I can't breathe enough of his scent and nor can I seem to want to be away from him. Business trips drive me crazy and here I am debating on what I want to do with him.

I want to do both, but I am unable to do either.

He's facing me with his face looking like a child's, lips almost opened and an expression of blankness. It is neither filled with comfort, but nor is it full of anguish. His hair covers some of his eyes and I can't see the rest of him. I try to push the bangs away, but they keep on falling into place like a curtain without a strong holder.  
Covered somewhat in white sheets, I can't help but wonder if I've done something wrong.

I've stolen something very important.

I can't touch it with my fingers, but here is the evidence of my sins. As I touch him, there is a sweetness that brings a flood of memories that have passed through me. They flash through my head and I see myself in many ages.

I see myself without him. And I see myself here with him.

For a long time, I've waited for something to happen. I didn't know what exactly, but I anticipated for something that would give my confused life more purpose. In this existence of life, I've found that I've appeared to know what exactly I've wanted and how to achieve it. Sometimes, I've even deceived myself with this false sense of confidence.  
It's very easy to hide yourself in your own mind. You cover your expressions and give off a stoic face that's unmoved to the world when you're mortally wounded inside that you've forgotten about the invisible dripping blood along your path in life. You've gotten used to the fact that life is hard and that without pain, there is nothing else to look forward to or learn.

It is masochism, this thing I call life.

There was always rain. Lots and lots of lost rain. So much so that I began to forget what the other seasons and kinds of weather the sky could bring.

Everything used to be so bland. So gray that I thought that was about as far as I could go. As long as I did as I was told, then that was enough. Even that was hard enough and to manage everything in the club and inside my mind full of pandemonium, I found myself impatient with everything. I was frustrated because I felt like there was no point to anything or anyone around me.

But then again, believing and trusting in people meant to give a part of yourself that I was unable to give. I did it once before and my close friends…

We became images that live in memories. Even within our own.

I hold onto his soft cheek. His eyes slightly move in response to my touch. And I want him all over again.

I know he isn't going anywhere and yet I find myself trembling inside, as if he has somewhere to go. As if there's somewhere else that he has to be at this very moment and I am only too selfish to keep him to myself.  
He is my only hope.

I don't know what I've lost for I've forgotten along the way.

All I know is that I camouflaged everything in front of me to mean other interpretations, to become other things. I chose to be blind to many different scenes, situations, and people around me in order to preserve what little I salvaged about myself, that part of me that I believed had survived. I chose to hurt others out of bluntness, appearing strong when I knew that all I did was personify my own insecurities upon another person.  
I knew that if I didn't let anything into my heart as deeply as it should, then I wouldn't have had to deal with anything.

Then, something fell out of the sky and I took care of a boy. I didn't know why or what I was doing. Maybe he reminded me of myself, but at the same time, I was very self-centered.

I wanted someone at home, knowing that person would eventually have to leave. Beautiful things often do. Like flowers or birds, they bloom and then wither away, dying in a short while after they have chosen to grow and live.

I extended the invitation of staying. I didn't want the silence here ever again.

The silence that used to penetrate so much into my being that I would sometimes sit in a chair from its imperious weight that made itself known inside of my heart.

With my thumb, I rub his lips and then kiss him. I kiss him harder until he opens his eyes in confusion. His hands instinctively hold onto my face as he tilts his head a bit into the pillow.  
When I pull away, he catches the saliva and kisses me all over again. Then, he blinks his eyes sleepily to focus his gaze on me.  
"What's wrong, Aoe-san?" he asks me with concerned eyes.

He knows me too well to interpret everything I do. It is daunting to know there is one person who chooses to understand me when I don't even comprehend myself sometimes.

"Nothing."  
I shake my head a bit as I try to smile a little while putting my palm on his forehead and run some of my fingers through his hair. I press my hand onto his forehead and look up to the ceiling, unable to look at him.

Shwap, shwap.  
The sheets move and he is balancing his body over me with each palm next to my head. He looks down at me and shakes his head in disapproval. His lips turn into a pout and he really stares hard at me.

Slowly, but surely, I make my decision. I find myself reaching out to him and enwrapping his body with both of my arms. I bring him down so that we're touching skin to skin. He can't see my face but I'm still staring at the ceiling.  
I don't know how to cry. I don't know how to pray either.

But at this moment, even though Naoya is confused again as to why I act so possessive over him, I am thankful not to wake up alone in the silence. I am not good at telling or showing how much I waited for something to happen to me, to stop the tumult of commotion within my head and my feelings.

I close my eyes tightly as I kiss his shoulder. The only thing I can say is "I love you", but even that is lost in the muffle.

It doesn't say anything about how much I've suffered alone, with no one truly comprehending what I couldn't express into words.  
"Thank you" is the other thing I want to say, but I'm only too proud to say it to him.

There was a lot of rain, Naoya.  
Water rain…

Candy rain.

Before he fell asleep in my arms, Shiki had told me:  
"You'll learn not to be so dark. There isn't light if there is no darkness. That applies to people too, Reiji."

Even though he doesn't fully understand, Naoya pushes his cheek against my shoulder and I feel him smiling. He holds onto me, patiently trying to get everything.

As he does so, I couldn't help but think I'd done something wrong, like I've taken something from heaven that wasn't supposed to be mine…  
I didn't deserve to be forgiven, for I've been unforgiving towards other.

But he fell towards me when it really began to pour.

I used to look out the window wondering when the rain would stop, inside myself and outside my house. Coming back to my house meant being dry, but it never meant warmth to me.

But now, I've learned to love coming home. I like coming home to a place where it smells like sunshine.

I hold onto Naoya even tighter.

Someday…  
Someday I'll be able to tell you everything, Naoya.

Why I am the way I am,  
Why I have to hold onto you because my life depends on it,

But somehow, I don't think you want me to explain myself.

That may be true. There were only a few things worth remembering before you existed.

**Owari. / The End.**

**Author****'****s note: **This is the couple that made me fall in love with Love Mode. There are no words to really express my love or tender feelings towards this manga, but I must say that I always feel very warm inside whenever I read it 'cause it's so beautiful in art, but more so in plot. And this couple's intenseness is one that I find myself, shamefully, envying. Maybe it is because I somehow want to believe that there is something like that in the world, but since I've not seen it yet, I can't fully comprehend it.

**July 22, 2004**


End file.
